I Love You

I love you so much. I don't care if you shout at me all the time. I love you more and more each day and I will never get tired of telling you how I feel.

I miss my baby :( I miss how he loved me. I miss the sweet side of the man I love.

But if I won't see that anymore, I will take anything I can as long as I have you. You are my life and there won't be life without you. I will take all the last days I can have with you and cherish them for the rest of my life. Please let me. I want to feel your love so much.

I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. It hurts that everything is falling apart just when I thought "everything will be okay" I prayed so hard for you, for us. I asked heaven for a clean slate and to be good from that day onwards. I don't want a reason to hate God. He gave me YOU. I prayed for a love this kind since I was young. Every night I pray for Him to bless our relationship, to bless our life, our work, our health. And I promise you, I will never stop doing it. I used to give up on a lot of things, I'm not going to give up on us. I feel so lost without your love.

Novena To St. Jude

Most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of.

Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone. Make use I implore you, of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly...

"If it's God will, then let my prayers be answered.

The first month in his place had been great. You helped us adjust to the new people, new sorroundings, new adventures. You made life easier for us in terms of Mark's work, our house, the pets around us, friends from his work.

Please touch my baby's heart and make him see what we have. Please Lord, don't make him be lured by the attention and success he is getting right now. Please don't let a simple shine make his head swell. And please don't make him fall for girls as I have always feared -- one girl in particular.

Lord I pray for peace. I don't have anyone right now except him and now he is drifting away. I feel so alone when we promised to be there for each other in this place where we decided to stay. Everything is boiling inside, I feel like I will explode. Please help me, Lord. I beg you. I RAISE TO YOU THIS RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE AND NURTURED FOR A YEAR AND TEN MONTHS.

And I am praying to get a good job real soon.

YOUR will be done, my Lord."

...and that I may praise God with you and all the elect forever. I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.

Amen.

Here's One For Printing

One day I will forget the words but I will never forget how I felt.

"The person who gives you unexplained happiness will always be the reason for your unexplained sadness."

1: How would anyone at the school know I'm Arabic.
2: No one I've ever met pinoy or otherwise have ever said that rumour is about arabs, it's actually about indians. (Why would they say it to your face? Make your own research. I can give you a few search words)
3: I don't smell so why would anyone back chat. (Did I say you do?)

You hurtful, non tactful stupid little cunt. Ok let me hit some home truths your way - every girl I've ever been with and I've been with A LOT love the way I smell! Fucking love it! And if I said to them what you said to me - they'd slap the shit out of you. (Well, since I've been compared to them constantly, FUCK them all!)

One thing I noticed about you, you stink of BO, you sweat like a pig, and your pussy doesn't smell of melons it stinks of dead fucking fish and I was holding my breath when I went down on you! Thank God it was the only time cos I had to stop myself from wrenching! (You even kept my clothes in a plastic to kept the scent and you even inhaled them in front of the cam. So, you lied again. You just pretended you like me.)

Don't you ever diss my hygiene again, I take care of myself and take pride in it. Which is more than I can say for you.

You Are Beneath Me (Who said I'm not).

And as much as I love you, I KNOW I can do far better. So be careful *, it was your fear that me coming to PH that I would see how ugly you really are and how many beautiful pinoys there really are. Well guess what, I DID see that! Yes, you're nice in pics, in person - UGLY. (Telling me I'm beautiful all the time, now who's lying and hypocrite? That's why I never believe you coz truth comes out whenever we fight. I know I am UGLY) There are gorgeous women in your country, beautiful and they all want a piece of me, so don't even fucking start! (If you want them, go get them) And who said you're coming to Cebu with me?! (I know. I'm just a past time while you're in Manila) I told you it depends how we get on in Manila! (It depends on nothing now).

Oh, and what was that smelling behind my ears every morning? Some big BS! Another lie! Now, I wonder how you hold your breath but pretend to be inhaling.

Confused

I don't know where to start. I've been staring at this page for almost an hour and I want to cry. It's Mama.

I know she told me not to tell you things that should only be for family. That if I fail, I only go running home to them for help and no one else will help me but family. Last night while I was cooking dinner, I overheard her telling Kat, Carlo and Mikko to greet her "Happy Father's Day" coz she's been the father and mother of this family, followed by, "All my children are doing well except ATE which is me." She repeated it twice.

When Kat and I was getting ready for bed and I was waiting for you to come online, we talked about Mama. I told her, Mama's been watching TV or hearing stories around about children from broken family being close to their grandmothers. Some known personalities telling their life stories growing up and considered their grandmothers as their mothers. I told Kat that they happen to have mothers who do not like them or mothers who got other families and moved to a far away place.

That is not our case. Kat and I have built this very strong bond since she’s a baby. Even if she’s with Jun, she’d always tell me she loves me more and just don’t want to hurt Jun if she tells him that. She told me sometimes she doesn’t want to be with Mama coz she’s telling her bad things about me. When she’s here, I’d tell her to be beside Mama more often and hug her, kiss her so she’d feel loved. I came to the conclusion that Mama wants Kat to love her more than she loves me. But no matter what she does, Kat comes to me. She gets jealous if she sees me and Kat hugging or kissing. Last night in the van, Kat took my hand and held it all the way to the restaurant. She mentioned to me that she noticed her Lola looking at us. I am the mother, what does she expect?

This morning while they were eating breakfast, I prepared Kat’s food and sat next to her. Mama started with, “When are you moving to Cebu? Be sure about that decision. You don’t know why he’s moving to work here, it’s a crazy idea. Are you sure he loves you?” I answered back, “Because he wants to be with me. If he waits for me to come to London, it would take years!” Then she said, “You are living in fantasy!” I went in my room coz I don’t want to hear anything more.

When Kat came to my room, I told her, “Your Lola is starting again.” She replied, “Oo nga, Mama.”

She is my mom, I love her even though I hate her most of the time. I just can’t get her. I told you she said I may never have another child but there was a time she said that I don’t have the right to have anymore kids. I remember telling her if I have a new family, why wouldn’t I? She said I’m not capable of loving. Now that I do, why can’t I get her approval?

Damn if I do, damn if I don’t.

I don’t want to fail any more. If I do (I hope to God I wont), I’ll choose to be on my own. I will never go back home, baby. That was my original plan 2 years ago.

Just an update this afternoon:

We had a visitor and Mama asked me to locate Jhunne's wedding pictures on her laptop. When they were already viewing it, she said, "I hope Jos won't change. Dutch are also like Filipinos with close family ties. There should be at least one of my kids who's lucky in marriage." And she knows I can still hear her. Again, I went to my room.

What's her problem? I'm her flavor of the season! Is it because she knows I'll be leaving soon? She can see me fixing some of my things eh. Haaaays...baby :(

Horoscope

Just when I have forgotten about it, along came the horoscope to remind me that I have found my prince already.

DailyHoroscope

Aquarius horoscope for Jun 18 2011 Aquarius Jun 18, 2011
If you are seeking your handsome prince or beautiful princess, but you've already kissed one too many a toad, your luck is due to change. Aquarians often travel a rocky road before finding true love. That's because you sometimes struggle with balancing your intellect with your emotions. You certainly do have a giving nature, but you aren't always adept at expressing your emotions, and that can be a stumbling block. But someone who understands you is about to appear. If you are already romantically involved, you can expect a greater kinship with your significant other.

I used to hear this song from Mama when I was young about rice and about courtship and how a man waited for a girl to blossom and when she did, she ended up with someone else--

"Ako ang nagtanim at nagbayo at nagsaing. Subalit nang maluto ay iba ang kumain..."

I am the rice. You planted me, nurtured me, made sure you water me daily. Water is the love and caring you gave me everyday. You protected me from storm. You took out the worms from me, you made sure I'd turn out to be a good rice. You protected me from pest, from animals that would ruin me.

Sunlight is the essential part in my life. It didn't come from you but I will die without it. Sunlight represents what I need to live and that cannot be taken away from me. And when the time was right, you smelled the sweet sign that it's time to harvest me. You took away the part of me that I do not need. You gloried by seeing how golden I am. You polished me till I am ready to feed you. And just when you are cooking me, you decided you do not have the patience to wait till I am fully cooked.

After all the process you've done, after all the months, the year, after all we've been through...ARE YOU GOING TO LET ANOTHER PERSON HAVE WHAT YOU WORKED FOR?


I was made for you. I don't want anyone else to have me. I love you so much xXx

At Peace

Dear St. Jude,

You listened to my prayers in the past few months of my life. Just like Jesus said in John 14:14--If you ask anything in my name, I will do it. Today you helped me again. I have prayed long and sincerely and you did not let me down. Please intercede with Jesus that if it’s HIS will, my prayers will be answered. Thank you for listening to my prayers.

Thank you for the gift of acceptance. I know I feel the hurt right now but I know you got other plans for me. Someday, everything will be okay for me. I know it will. Be with me as I rest for this day.

I offer many prayers of thanksgiving!

June 14 - Novena To St. Jude

Most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of.

Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone. Make use I implore you, of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly...

"If it's God will, then let my prayers be answered.

I put my life in your hands, oh Lord. Please guide me on the next chapter of my life. I know you will never let me down and you will give me the strength. And I will take care of this life you gave to me. I know I will never be alone as long as I believe in you. Be with me as I rest for the day. Keep my soul into your loving arms. Watch over me and the people I love.

YOUR will be done, my Lord."

...and that I may praise God with you and all the elect forever. I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.

Amen.