I know she told me not to tell you things that should only be for family. That if I fail, I only go running home to them for help and no one else will help me but family. Last night while I was cooking dinner, I overheard her telling Kat, Carlo and Mikko to greet her "Happy Father's Day" coz she's been the father and mother of this family, followed by, "All my children are doing well except ATE which is me." She repeated it twice.
When Kat and I was getting ready for bed and I was waiting for you to come online, we talked about Mama. I told her, Mama's been watching TV or hearing stories around about children from broken family being close to their grandmothers. Some known personalities telling their life stories growing up and considered their grandmothers as their mothers. I told Kat that they happen to have mothers who do not like them or mothers who got other families and moved to a far away place.
That is not our case. Kat and I have built this very strong bond since she’s a baby. Even if she’s with Jun, she’d always tell me she loves me more and just don’t want to hurt Jun if she tells him that. She told me sometimes she doesn’t want to be with Mama coz she’s telling her bad things about me. When she’s here, I’d tell her to be beside Mama more often and hug her, kiss her so she’d feel loved. I came to the conclusion that Mama wants Kat to love her more than she loves me. But no matter what she does, Kat comes to me. She gets jealous if she sees me and Kat hugging or kissing. Last night in the van, Kat took my hand and held it all the way to the restaurant. She mentioned to me that she noticed her Lola looking at us. I am the mother, what does she expect?
This morning while they were eating breakfast, I prepared Kat’s food and sat next to her. Mama started with, “When are you moving to Cebu? Be sure about that decision. You don’t know why he’s moving to work here, it’s a crazy idea. Are you sure he loves you?” I answered back, “Because he wants to be with me. If he waits for me to come to London, it would take years!” Then she said, “You are living in fantasy!” I went in my room coz I don’t want to hear anything more.
When Kat came to my room, I told her, “Your Lola is starting again.” She replied, “Oo nga, Mama.”
She is my mom, I love her even though I hate her most of the time. I just can’t get her. I told you she said I may never have another child but there was a time she said that I don’t have the right to have anymore kids. I remember telling her if I have a new family, why wouldn’t I? She said I’m not capable of loving. Now that I do, why can’t I get her approval?
Damn if I do, damn if I don’t.
I don’t want to fail any more. If I do (I hope to God I wont), I’ll choose to be on my own. I will never go back home, baby. That was my original plan 2 years ago.
Just an update this afternoon:
We had a visitor and Mama asked me to locate Jhunne's wedding pictures on her laptop. When they were already viewing it, she said, "I hope Jos won't change. Dutch are also like Filipinos with close family ties. There should be at least one of my kids who's lucky in marriage." And she knows I can still hear her. Again, I went to my room.
What's her problem? I'm her flavor of the season! Is it because she knows I'll be leaving soon? She can see me fixing some of my things eh. Haaaays...baby :(
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