Here's One For Printing

One day I will forget the words but I will never forget how I felt.

"The person who gives you unexplained happiness will always be the reason for your unexplained sadness."

1: How would anyone at the school know I'm Arabic.
2: No one I've ever met pinoy or otherwise have ever said that rumour is about arabs, it's actually about indians. (Why would they say it to your face? Make your own research. I can give you a few search words)
3: I don't smell so why would anyone back chat. (Did I say you do?)

You hurtful, non tactful stupid little cunt. Ok let me hit some home truths your way - every girl I've ever been with and I've been with A LOT love the way I smell! Fucking love it! And if I said to them what you said to me - they'd slap the shit out of you. (Well, since I've been compared to them constantly, FUCK them all!)

One thing I noticed about you, you stink of BO, you sweat like a pig, and your pussy doesn't smell of melons it stinks of dead fucking fish and I was holding my breath when I went down on you! Thank God it was the only time cos I had to stop myself from wrenching! (You even kept my clothes in a plastic to kept the scent and you even inhaled them in front of the cam. So, you lied again. You just pretended you like me.)

Don't you ever diss my hygiene again, I take care of myself and take pride in it. Which is more than I can say for you.

You Are Beneath Me (Who said I'm not).

And as much as I love you, I KNOW I can do far better. So be careful *, it was your fear that me coming to PH that I would see how ugly you really are and how many beautiful pinoys there really are. Well guess what, I DID see that! Yes, you're nice in pics, in person - UGLY. (Telling me I'm beautiful all the time, now who's lying and hypocrite? That's why I never believe you coz truth comes out whenever we fight. I know I am UGLY) There are gorgeous women in your country, beautiful and they all want a piece of me, so don't even fucking start! (If you want them, go get them) And who said you're coming to Cebu with me?! (I know. I'm just a past time while you're in Manila) I told you it depends how we get on in Manila! (It depends on nothing now).

Oh, and what was that smelling behind my ears every morning? Some big BS! Another lie! Now, I wonder how you hold your breath but pretend to be inhaling.

Confused

I don't know where to start. I've been staring at this page for almost an hour and I want to cry. It's Mama.

I know she told me not to tell you things that should only be for family. That if I fail, I only go running home to them for help and no one else will help me but family. Last night while I was cooking dinner, I overheard her telling Kat, Carlo and Mikko to greet her "Happy Father's Day" coz she's been the father and mother of this family, followed by, "All my children are doing well except ATE which is me." She repeated it twice.

When Kat and I was getting ready for bed and I was waiting for you to come online, we talked about Mama. I told her, Mama's been watching TV or hearing stories around about children from broken family being close to their grandmothers. Some known personalities telling their life stories growing up and considered their grandmothers as their mothers. I told Kat that they happen to have mothers who do not like them or mothers who got other families and moved to a far away place.

That is not our case. Kat and I have built this very strong bond since she’s a baby. Even if she’s with Jun, she’d always tell me she loves me more and just don’t want to hurt Jun if she tells him that. She told me sometimes she doesn’t want to be with Mama coz she’s telling her bad things about me. When she’s here, I’d tell her to be beside Mama more often and hug her, kiss her so she’d feel loved. I came to the conclusion that Mama wants Kat to love her more than she loves me. But no matter what she does, Kat comes to me. She gets jealous if she sees me and Kat hugging or kissing. Last night in the van, Kat took my hand and held it all the way to the restaurant. She mentioned to me that she noticed her Lola looking at us. I am the mother, what does she expect?

This morning while they were eating breakfast, I prepared Kat’s food and sat next to her. Mama started with, “When are you moving to Cebu? Be sure about that decision. You don’t know why he’s moving to work here, it’s a crazy idea. Are you sure he loves you?” I answered back, “Because he wants to be with me. If he waits for me to come to London, it would take years!” Then she said, “You are living in fantasy!” I went in my room coz I don’t want to hear anything more.

When Kat came to my room, I told her, “Your Lola is starting again.” She replied, “Oo nga, Mama.”

She is my mom, I love her even though I hate her most of the time. I just can’t get her. I told you she said I may never have another child but there was a time she said that I don’t have the right to have anymore kids. I remember telling her if I have a new family, why wouldn’t I? She said I’m not capable of loving. Now that I do, why can’t I get her approval?

Damn if I do, damn if I don’t.

I don’t want to fail any more. If I do (I hope to God I wont), I’ll choose to be on my own. I will never go back home, baby. That was my original plan 2 years ago.

Just an update this afternoon:

We had a visitor and Mama asked me to locate Jhunne's wedding pictures on her laptop. When they were already viewing it, she said, "I hope Jos won't change. Dutch are also like Filipinos with close family ties. There should be at least one of my kids who's lucky in marriage." And she knows I can still hear her. Again, I went to my room.

What's her problem? I'm her flavor of the season! Is it because she knows I'll be leaving soon? She can see me fixing some of my things eh. Haaaays...baby :(

Horoscope

Just when I have forgotten about it, along came the horoscope to remind me that I have found my prince already.

DailyHoroscope

Aquarius horoscope for Jun 18 2011 Aquarius Jun 18, 2011
If you are seeking your handsome prince or beautiful princess, but you've already kissed one too many a toad, your luck is due to change. Aquarians often travel a rocky road before finding true love. That's because you sometimes struggle with balancing your intellect with your emotions. You certainly do have a giving nature, but you aren't always adept at expressing your emotions, and that can be a stumbling block. But someone who understands you is about to appear. If you are already romantically involved, you can expect a greater kinship with your significant other.

I used to hear this song from Mama when I was young about rice and about courtship and how a man waited for a girl to blossom and when she did, she ended up with someone else--

"Ako ang nagtanim at nagbayo at nagsaing. Subalit nang maluto ay iba ang kumain..."

I am the rice. You planted me, nurtured me, made sure you water me daily. Water is the love and caring you gave me everyday. You protected me from storm. You took out the worms from me, you made sure I'd turn out to be a good rice. You protected me from pest, from animals that would ruin me.

Sunlight is the essential part in my life. It didn't come from you but I will die without it. Sunlight represents what I need to live and that cannot be taken away from me. And when the time was right, you smelled the sweet sign that it's time to harvest me. You took away the part of me that I do not need. You gloried by seeing how golden I am. You polished me till I am ready to feed you. And just when you are cooking me, you decided you do not have the patience to wait till I am fully cooked.

After all the process you've done, after all the months, the year, after all we've been through...ARE YOU GOING TO LET ANOTHER PERSON HAVE WHAT YOU WORKED FOR?


I was made for you. I don't want anyone else to have me. I love you so much xXx

At Peace

Dear St. Jude,

You listened to my prayers in the past few months of my life. Just like Jesus said in John 14:14--If you ask anything in my name, I will do it. Today you helped me again. I have prayed long and sincerely and you did not let me down. Please intercede with Jesus that if it’s HIS will, my prayers will be answered. Thank you for listening to my prayers.

Thank you for the gift of acceptance. I know I feel the hurt right now but I know you got other plans for me. Someday, everything will be okay for me. I know it will. Be with me as I rest for this day.

I offer many prayers of thanksgiving!

June 14 - Novena To St. Jude

Most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of.

Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone. Make use I implore you, of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly...

"If it's God will, then let my prayers be answered.

I put my life in your hands, oh Lord. Please guide me on the next chapter of my life. I know you will never let me down and you will give me the strength. And I will take care of this life you gave to me. I know I will never be alone as long as I believe in you. Be with me as I rest for the day. Keep my soul into your loving arms. Watch over me and the people I love.

YOUR will be done, my Lord."

...and that I may praise God with you and all the elect forever. I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.

Amen.

A Promise

You never have to worry. I will never ever contact you. I swear that to God. I thought you're done with the name calling. I'm very, very, very hurt right now. I have no intention or even plan on connecting with you again and I have never, ever made any fake accounts on facebook. All the other accounts I ever had are all me and never used any other identity. Adding you won't give anything. You were never and will ever be proud of me. So what's the use of adding you? There is absolutely nothing I need on your page. I don't want to talk to anyone especially YOU.

Trying to ruin me speaks a lot about you. No matter how you lift yourself, no matter how you say you are MR. GREATEST GIFT TO WOMEN, you're nothing if you ruin me. It will bring you to lowest of all the lowest specie. Even lower to the slut or whore you say I am. I have never ever sold myself! I will let God give you what you deserve.

Let me have my peace so I can move on.

YOU ARE THE ONE THAT SAID I FUCK OFF. I'M DOING US BOTH THE FAVOR.

How Can People Love Someone Who Hurts Them The Most?

This stays on here to remind me everytime how you treat me. And you want me to kill myself to do the world a favor? I am depressed enough. Thank you for contributing more to it. God knows I am not the slut or whore you are saying I am. I'm not gonna fight you, He'll give you what you deserve. I will do myself a favor. After all the hurtful words you just told me, don't expect me to contact you again. I will do what you say, I will fuck off.

In your very own writing:

FUCK YOU YOU DUMB BITCH!!!!! ALL THAT COMES OUT YOUR MOUTH IS BULLSHIT!!! YOURE NOT SMART OR EDUCATED SO STOP TRYING TO BE SOMETHING YOUR NOT. STICK TO EDITING PICS AND POSTING THEM, IT'S ALL YOUR GOOD AT!!!! YOU CHAT SHIT!!! AND YOU'RE RIGHT, THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK. DON'T LOOK FOR ANY PLACE FOR ME OR YOU OR US. I'LL DO THIS ON MY OWN, HAPPILY!!!!

IN THE GREAT WORDS OF ED SHEEREN - YOU NEED ME MAN, I DON'T NEED YOU!

I DONT GIVE A SHIT! I DONT NEED TO SCREENSHOT ANYTHING TO REMIND ME OF HOW STUBBORN AND CLOSED MINDED YOU ARE! YOU'LL NEVER SUCEED! YOURE DOOMED TO FAIL, ALWAYS HAVE, ALWAYS WILL. GO SELL HAIR CURLERS OR WHATEVER. NOW LET ME GO AND START A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE, IN YOUR COUNTRY, WITHOUT YOU!

FUCK YOU. TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVE SAID I'LL MAKE AN AMAZING FATHER. YOU CHAT SHIT

AND WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER ARE YOU, YOURE A SLAG, A CHEAP SLUT WHO JOINED A SEX SITE!

FUCK YOU, SLUT!

LOOK AT YOU. YOURE NEARLY 40 AND YOU THINK YOURE 21. PATHETIC

Well, you'll never find out cos it won't be your kids I'll be the father of. Oh wait, hang on a sec........ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN EVEN HAVE KIDS?!!?! FAIL!

OH SOD THIS. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. YOU'RE A CUNT

REALLY? DIE!

DO THE WORLD A FAVOUR!

DO YOUR MUM A FAVOUR!

GO JUMP INFRONT OF A CAR, YOU FAILIURE

YOUR STUBBORNESS IS YOUR UNDOING! YOU FUCT UP!

Your mum was right, no one can handle you. You're fucking impossible!

Waste of time, but I'm still young. you're not. good luck with the future. kthanxbai. And don't DARE contact me again.

FUCK YOU! IF YOUR HEARTS BROKEN IT'S COS YOU PUSHED IT ME!!!!

AND NOW YOU'RE THE LOSER COS OF YOUR FUCKING STUPID MENTALITY!

Doomed to fail! No one can help you. NO ONE!

oh you're so hot............BUT NOT

Go fix your face!

Cheap, stubborn, stupid, failing whore.

Just kill yourself ffs!

I gave you one last chance in Makati. God knows how many chances I've given you!!!! I told you if you blew it, there won't be another. Well done G. You blew it. I hope you're happy.

Seriously, just go and OD on pills or something. You'll never amount to anything you slut. Even your friends don't want you on their page cos you're so cheap.

slut

slut

slag

slag

WHORE

Your life is shit. And I refuse to be dragged down to your level. I've more self respect than that. Goodbye, and reflect on how your stubbornness got you to this point.

I ought to post pics of your face and dirty cunt all over the net, but you'd probably like it! lmao!

Hey, ya there?

Hey whore.....

Where's slag?

Where's slut?

Scarred For Life

Many times I'd look far away and you'd ask me what I am thinking about or what is going on in my mind. You wanna know what? I want to know if I am happy.

Yes, I am in love. I am happy we will be together. I am happy that it is sooner than we both planned it or hope it would be. But most of the time, I am not. I don't think I am a bad person. I never want to hurt anyone in my life and when I do things, I always want it to be beneficial to everyone...a win-win decision. You hate people who look down and step on me but let me tell you that the worst I had are always from you.

You always find fault in me. You wait for the exact moment I make a mistake and it's like waiting for you to say, "There! That's a clear mistake, you f*ucked up!" I never want you to do that to me in front of my friends, your friends, my family, your family and most specially, in front of our kids.

I am torn. As much as I love you and vowed never to leave you, I don't know if I will ever be happy. Happiness goes only to the extent that we're together, will make a family together, grow old together BUT I don't think there's anything more. The more I think about it, the more I know I'd lose all my self respect. I will feel more like trash. I will just be good to you when you feel good, when you have a good day but other than that, I can see you shouting at me all the time, I can see you giving me the eye.

You hurt me more than any person I know. Not physically but when it's emotionally, it is even worse. You're wicked. You are a monster. This is how I feel. I've seen a lot of fighting couples, I've seen a lot of women pulling tantrums all the time, grumpy all the time, but I have never seen the guys hurt them like you do to me.

I will never be your partner, not ever. I don't think you love me enough to give me that position. I will just be the woman you picked up to be someone you can always order around. Our culture taught us humility. When you do something for someone, you don't expect a return. When you get it, you appreciate it. You don't look someone in the eye then tell that person, "I did this for you, now you must to this for me. I sacrifice this for you, now be my slave."

June 4 - Thank You

Dear St. Jude,

You listened to my prayers in the past few months of my life. Just like Jesus said in John 14:14--If you ask anything in my name, I will do it. Today you helped me again. I have prayed long and sincerely and you did not let me down. Please intercede with Jesus that if it’s HIS will, my prayers will be answered. Thank you for listening to my prayers.

Thank you for Mark's life. He's spent his last day at work with his students and I know he will miss them. A big thank you for the job he just got. This is just the beginning...

And thank you for the financial help. I pray that you'll help me with the online shop I just started.

I offer many prayers of thanksgiving!